Everyone Has Sex Except Skye (and It's May's Fault)
by Kitty O
Summary: Actually, it's sort of Fitz's fault. And also no one has sex in this story. Grant Ward uses a lot of his phone calls. The word "zany" is used multiple times. Set post-finale if Fitz fully recovers, no real pairings. Bus Family Fun. Coauthored by Kitty O and princessmelia. Oneshot.


**Title: Everyone Has Sex Except Skye (and It's May's Fault)**

**Summary: Actually, it's sort of Fitz's fault. And also no one has sex in this story. Grant Ward uses a lot of his phone calls. The word "zany" is used multiple times. Set post-finale if Fitz fully recovers, no real pairings. Bus Family Fun. Coauthored by kittyorleans and princessmelia. **

He approached her during Tai Chi one morning.

"Teach me how to fight."

"I'm busy, Fitz."

"I need to know."

She sighed and paused in her routine to turn to him. He wasn't in his normal sweater or cardigan or tie, but rather athletic shorts and t-shirt. "Why? For the glory of it?"

"What? No."

"So you can jump in and be the hero?"

"No."

"Then why?"

"To stop being an additional variable to worry about. And to protect the ones I care about."

She evaluated him. "Let's get started."

* * *

"First, you need to learn to focus."

"I can focus," he said. "I'm an engineer."

She shook her head. "No," she said. "I know how you think. You look at ten million variables at once. I've seen you write out equations. In fighting, you focus on one thing, and make the variables less numerous."

"What is the one thing?"

"It's different for everyone," said May. "Some think about those they are protecting. Others, not dying. Some, killing - though I wouldn't suggest that. It'll leave you high and dry every time. I think Coulson focuses on the music he can hear in his head."

"Okay," Fitz said, closing his eyes. "I'll think of-"

"No," May said.

He opened his eyes.

"Don't tell me what it is."

Fitz nodded.

"Good. Now watch me." She performed a form for him. It was slow and graceful. "What does that look like?"

"A... dance?" Fitz guessed, not wanting to get punched in the face. But May was nodding her head at his response.

"Look again. And imagine an attacker in front of me." She did the form again, only faster. With a sense of amazement, Fitz realized that with the form she just performed she had kneed the attacker in the gut and flipped him onto his back. She saw his face and gave a small smile. "Tai chi is about channeling your energy. You let it flow within in, just under the surface, until it's time to attack. It's crucial to maintain focus, or your energy will never be steady. So before we fight, we need to meditate. Stretch with me."

They didn't get beyond stretching that first day or even the first week. At first Fitz was annoyed, but he trusted May's advice and guidance.

* * *

"Does it seem to you that Fitz spends a lot of time with May now?" Trip asked as they all sat around the newly repaired bus.

"I haven't noticed," Simmons lied.

"We could hatch a convoluted and zany plot to figure out what they're up to," Skye suggested from the couch, studying her laptop.

The other two stared.

"You watching sitcoms on there?" Trip asked.

She lowered her laptop lid slightly. "No..."

Trip raised an eyebrow.

"Fine, it's _Parks and Rec_, okay?"

Trip nodded knowingly. "And what plan has Ms. Leslie Knope inspired?"

"I'm not sure yet."

"You could get up early with them," Coulson offered as he walked by. "Or ask them!" he called over his shoulder.

Simmons rolled her eyes at that. "And I thought Skye's idea was stupid." She leaned forward. "So, you're thinking cameras?"

"How would we put up cameras without Fitz noticing?" Trip asked.

Skye smiled. "That's where the zany part comes in, I'm sure."

* * *

Simmons distracted Fitz with pictures of monkeys while Trip and Skye installed the cameras. The where was the biggest issue. They put them up outside of May's door and one in the shoe lace tip Fitz's shoe (the aglet, Trip said). That was the zany one.

They hooked them up to Skye's laptop. And then they waited.

* * *

Fitz walked into May's cockpit and sat down. "May?"

"Yes."

"Remember the time I got pranked, and since I realized it couldn't have been anyone else, it had to be you?"

"I remember."

"The others have attached cameras to the bus in order to figure out why we're spending time together. And so I thought... if you liked pranks...And they don't know we know..."

"I'm in."

* * *

They were lounging around the lab, _Parks and Rec_ on the big screen while Skye's laptop was streaming the cameras they had set up.

She nearly choked on her popcorn.

Simmons ran over before blushing.

Trip sat with his mouth open.

May was adjusting Fitz's tie (making it loose) before leading him into her room.

"No," said Skye.

"Yes," said Trip.

"The evidence could be misleading," said Simmons. "There's a perfectly innocent explanation for everything."

"I swear!" Skye swore. "This is the _second_ attractive young male she's taken. It's not fair! Trip, don't you ever..."

"There's another explanation," Simmons insisted.

"What more proof do you want?" asked Trip.

* * *

Fitz sat on the floor of May's bedroom, listening in from his own bugs over his cell.

"More proof?" he squawked. "This is ridiculous. May, we need to give it up. It failed."

May's eyes were dark and fiery. "Fitz," she said. "I _never_ lose when it comes to pranks. Never."

* * *

"Maybe... Maybe May is showing him a new outfit? Something he can fight in?"

"Maybe, Simmons, but – oh my." Fitz and May came out the door fifteen minutes after going in. His shirt was untucked and her hair was messy.

"We need to tell Coulson," Skye declared.

"I need to clean out my eyes," Trip said.

* * *

"Phil?" May stood in his doorway. "I need to talk to you."

"What is it?" he asked, unbuttoning his suit jacket as he sat. "Come in."

"I need a favor."

"Sure, anything."

"Skye, Simmons, and Triplett are going to come in here in a while and try to convince you that Fitz and I are sleeping together."

"You and..."

"I need you to refuse to believe it. Insist there's no way, and we wouldn't do that."

"Don't you think..."

"And then act insanely jealous."

He closed his eyes in acceptance. "Of you or Fitz?"

She smirked. "Whoever you don't mind the rest of the team thinking you're together with for the next month or so."

Ten minutes later, and things transpired as May said they would.

Coulson paced in front of his desk. "No, I refuse to believe it."

"Look, AC, it isn't as bad as you think." Skye was glancing at her partners in crime. They'd never seen Coulson get this wound up about anything.

"Isn't as bad as I think? She said she lov—" His mouth snapped shut. "Get out of my office. Now." He sighed heavily and put his head in his hands as though his heart was broken. They couldn't see him smile.

They scrambled to see who could get out the door the fastest.

"You don't think…" Simmons began.

Trip shook his head. "Nah, they wouldn't..."

"Trip," Skye said, "I need your blood contract that you won't sleep with Melinda May."

* * *

Simmons, Skye, and Trip sat around the main room, drinks in hand and looking at each other.

"How does she do it?" asked Skye, taking a swig. Trip had refused to give a blood contract, but he had promised. Tentatively. When he'd received dirty looks, he'd protested, 'Would _you_ turn her down?'

"It's not fair," said Simmons, her head back.

"We should ask her how she does it," Skye said.

"_You_ can't," said Simmons. "Too many people are attracted to you already."

"I think you're attractive," Trip said to Simmons. She didn't seem to hear him. They all sighed.

* * *

May and Fitz high-fived in the hallway before going their separate ways.

* * *

Fitzsimmons was alone in a "safe place" while away on a mission. Unfortunately for them, a guard found them.

Fortunately, May and Fitz had not been having sex for the past month.

"How did you do that?" Simmons asked with wide eyes as she inspected the unconscious guard on the floor.

"May's been teaching me—" He stared at Simmons with wide eyes.

Simmons froze before jumping up. "That's what you two have been doing? I knew there was a logical explanation to it all!"

"Hey!" Fitz exclaimed, offended. "I could get May."

Simmons scoffed. "As if."

"But you can't tell Skye. May made me swear."

Jemma grinned. "Only if I can join in on the fun."

"Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?"

She was, in fact. She put it into action after they filled in May and Coulson. And when she and Skye and Trip were sitting around complaining, she made a poor excuse and left, making sure that Fitz's spare shoes were outside the door when she snuck into Fitz's bunk. The two of them faced the opposite ways to change shirts and waited there.

"When do we make her think it's a threesome?" Simmons asked.

And thus Operation: Make Skye Think She's the Only One on the Bus Not Having Sex with the Rest of the Team began.

Skye didn't notice the change of shirts at first: Trip did. And as Fitzsimmons walked through the kitchen, Trip elbowed her hard. "What?" He gestured and she looked.

"What?" she repeated louder as she stared at them.

"Something wrong, Skye?" Simmons asked it with a far away smile on her face. Skye's face was red.

Skye froze, eyes wide. "Nope. Nothing." She ran to her room after making incredulous gestures to Trip. She checked the camera on Fitz's aglet and fanned herself when she saw them going into the room.

This was psychotic. And when she peered out of her room the next day and saw Trip's shoes outside of Fitz's room as well, she had to groan.

* * *

Tripp was in May's room, laughing fit to burst. "This is mean," he said.

"The zany part _was_ her idea."

* * *

Skye went into Coulson's office. "Sir, the team is—"

Coulson's shirt was partly untucked. He was rebuttoning it at the top.

"Sir?"

"Yes, Skye?"

"Is that Simmons's perfume I smell?"

"What?"

Skye just turned and walked out. There was only one person she could call for advice. Sure, Grant Ward was serving time, but he could also have some great advice sometimes.

* * *

"They're all what?!"

"They're all hooking up!" Skye repeated for the tenth time. "Like, all of them." She cradled her phone on her shoulder and sat down heavily.

"In pairs?"

"Maybe...? And it's like, a mutual thing. It's not even the same people!"

"And you're telling me why?"

"For advice!"

"I may have slept with May, but I don't know what to do. What do you need advice on? How to join them? Because May liked this one thing..."

"Ew!" She hung up the phone quickly. She'd never missed the old S.H.I.E.L.D. and it's regulations about relationships so much.

Ward snorted to himself when he heard the click. He hoped she'd call back whenever they worked this one out, because he was dying to know what was going on.

* * *

Skye was sleeping. Fitz was talking to May. "So," he said. "Do we tell her now, or are we going to take this even further? She now thinks that you and I, Coulson and you, Coulson and Jemma, Tripp and I, and I think Jemma and Tripp have had sex. I'm not sure I want to take it any further. Or even how we could. But it's your joke..." he added the last part quickly when he saw the steel in May's eyes.

* * *

Skye was drying her hair in the bathroom when she saw the cardboard box in the trashcan. Curious, she looked closer and saw it was the box of a pregnancy test. She pulled it out and underneath was the stick with a little pink cross- someone was pregnant.

"Oh my G-d."

* * *

"After this," May announced with crossed arms. "Then we tell her. And thanks for the chemicals to make it positive, Simmons."

"No problem."

"Now come on, Fitz" – she clapped him on the arm – "you need to learn the next form."

So Skye found Simmons sniffling to herself in the lab.

"Simmons? Hey? You okay?"

Simmons looked up. "Fine, Skye. Fine."

"Oh, because I found this thing in the garbage in the bathroom and..."

"Oh my gosh!" Simmons gasped. "You weren't supposed to see that! You weren't supposed to know!"

"You? Oh, Simmons. Do you know who...?"

Simmons laughed nervously. "Know whose? I mean... no... Of course, any way of finding that out would involve illegal chemicals even if it wasn't..."

"Jemma."

"Coulson's," Jemma whispered.

Skye hugged her. Jemma's mouth twisted guiltily. She was getting better at this whole lying thing.

* * *

"Ward, seriously. She's pregnant with Coulson's baby. And she thinks they're getting married."

"Skye, there is absolutely no way. You're making this up."

"I'm not!" she exclaimed. "This is happening around me right now! Simmons is going to have a baby, and Fitz will be jealous, probably Trip, too. And then there will be her crying and hormones and—"

There was a knock on Skye's door. "Hold on. Come in."

May opened the door. "We need to talk about... things."

"I've got Ward on the phone right now. May, tell him I'm not making it up - that all of you really are bumping uglies."

"Please," Ward said over the phone. "Never use that euphemism again."

"Grant's on the phone? He's still in prison, right?"

"Doing the horizontal tango?"

"What?" Ward said. "That doesn't even..."

"Sowing wild oats?"

"Please shut up."

"Let me talk to him," said May.

"Yes, he is still in prison. Making the beast with two backs?"

"No, Skye... wait, is that a Shakespeare reference?"

"Skye, give me the phone."

"I can read the classics. Othello is— hey!" May took the phone from Skye. She was going to tell the truth— she really was. But Ward was right there, and you know, he just made her so mad…

"It's true. And let me tell you, Fitz does it a lot better than you _ever_ did."

"What?" Ward and Skye exclaimed in unison.

"I'd say he's second only to Coulson, though only on Coulson's good days."

"What?!" That was just Ward. Skye had stumbled away from May in horror.

"Bye, Ward." She hung up.

He hated that people kept doing that to him.

* * *

"Jemma's pregnant," said Skye. "Is that what you wanted to talk about?"

May looked at her. This was the chance. Tell the truth. Tell her everything. And she completely blanked.

"No. Fitz is cooking for dinner, so be careful when eating." And then she left.

Two minutes later, she was sitting in the main room, surrounded by upset scientists. "You didn't tell her!" Simmons exclaimed. "May, I can't fake being pregnant forever! This has to stop. Now."

"Turns out I'm better at lying than telling the truth. I nearly told her I was pregnant too, so that's something to be grateful for."

"May, you're post-menopausal."

Coulson shuddered.

"That's why I didn't tell her!"

"We need to tell her the truth," said Simmons. "I'll tell her."

* * *

"Skye?"

"Yes?"

"Skye." Simmons shifted her weight and tried again. "Skye."

"Is this a pregnancy thing? Because I've been looking some things up on the internet. I even picked out some names. And look at this onesie I bought! You know, I think this whole baby thing would be fun."

"Absolutely." Simmons nodded, guilt pooling in her stomach. She couldn't tell her. Not with her face all lit up like that. "Well, I have some things going on in the lab, bye!"

When Simmons was gone, Skye sat back and smirked. She would teach them to prank her. There was no way Fitz could be better than Ward at sex. Especially not by May's standards.

* * *

"It's been a month, Skye. Still none of them have told you the truth?"

"No! They don't dare! And it would be another two months before she would have to explain not showing, so I've got a while."

"What are you going to do?"

"Well, first I'm going to bring one of the boys into it. Then I'm going to explain to Simmons that I was... lonely... and jealous... And that I'm pregnant too, isn't that marvelous? The question is, bring Fitz or Tripp in?"

"Who is less likely to get killed by Coulson?" Ward was sounding irritated. He had limited phone time, after all.

In the end she picked Fitz. It was more believable that he would fall for and be accidentally seduced by Skye. The only issue was him lying to Simmons.

"Skye, I can't do this any more," he whined one night to her. "Our whole lives have been revolving around these lies for months now. Can't it be over soon?"

"Just a little while longer, Fitz. Now, should we be having a boy or a girl?"

Fitz groaned. "Skye, do you know anything about pregnancy?"

"What?"

"You'd be showing before you know if it's a boy or a girl, Skye."

"Oh. No, I didn't know."

* * *

Basically, Simmons fainted.

She already hadn't been feeling well, though Fitz said it was a short bug, but she'd been weak and this hadn't helped. They had both lied with straight faces as Simmons got more and more worked up. And then she sat down and dizzily swooned.

They stood around the couch where Simmons was recovering. Skye and Fitz looked quite ashamed of themselves. Trip was rubbing Simmons's hand and also trying to not cry laughing.

"Okay, this all stops now," Coulson commanded, pacing in front of them and glaring them down by turn. "No more zaniness. Don't talk, Skye. This all started because Fitz wanted May to teach him how to fight, correct?"

"Yes," said Fitz. "She told me to think of one thing, so I thought of Simmons, and it went really well, but then the others started getting suspicious and I thought it would be funny to play a prank on them…"

"I think we all know what happened from there, Fitz. Now. Who here has actually had sex with someone else on this plane?"

There was silence.

Then May spoke. "There was that one time in Budapest, Phil, where we—"

"I meant recently, Melinda!"

There was a pause.

"Does Ward count?"

"No!"

"Then no," said Fitz. "Actually, I was saving it 'til I'm married."

"Hey!" said Trip. "Me too! High five!" There was an awkward high five. Skye and May looked uncomfortably at each other.

"Then everyone's good," said Coulson. "We're closing the case. Who are we blaming?"

"Skye's zaniness."

"Fitz's trickery."

"Mary's inability to tell the truth," Tripp said, and everyone nodded.

"Okay," said Coulson. "Skye, go call Ward. Fitz, you and I are helping Simmons."

Skye walked away laughing. She'd fill Ward in later. Let him kind of stew for a while. They were _enemies_, after all.


End file.
